Girl Disappears, Father Freaks

This is a true story that happened to me a few years ago. Enjoy!

Girl Disappears, Father Freaks
Wisconsin, 2 August 2007

Jenna, 19, a college sophomore living at home with her parents,
gave her father a fright today. At 4:38 Thursday morning, Jenna
apparently left her house in a rush, slamming the front door shut
and speeding out of the driveway in a Grey 1988 Dodge Ram.
Her father, Steve, 52, sleeping in the livingroom due to recovery
from total knee replacement surgery, was startled awake by this
sudden disappearence. He reportedly limped to inform his
wife, Maggie, 59, who slept in the couple's bedroom down the

"Steve was recently diagnosed with a bloodclot in his calf, and
is on blood thinners," Maggie, a registered nurse, informed
reporters, "So I told him to come wake me up if he started to feel
sick or ill, due to the side affects of the medicine. So naturally,
I was prepared for anything."

Steve inquired Maggie about the sudden dissappearence of their
daughter in the early hours of the morning.

At first, Maggie was confused, but then remembered that Jenna
had told her about subbing for a scheduled shift at the local YMCA.

"I informed him of this immediately, as he was noticably worried,"
recounted Maggie.

Conclusively, Steve was just acting as a concerned parent,
as any parent would investigate strange behavior in their teenage
daughter, such as promiscuious sex, drinking, and burning incense.

"She's rarely up before noon some days," commented Steve,
"I was afraid she might have run away or changed her name to
'Granny Schizzle' and joined a gang or something."

When asked of this strange behavior, Jenna sheepishly admitted
that she had slept in, and realized this faux pas only minutes before
her shift.

"I could hear the TV when I woke up to go to the bathroom, and
heard the channels changing, but I decided not to tell him of my odd
early morning shift."

When implored as to why she did not rouse her father, Jenna
answered, "I did not want to embarrass him. I mean, who is up at
4:45 in the morning?"

Jenna also added that she knew her father was probably
startled by her early morning arousal. She even spoke briefly
to Mary, 62, a coworker, about her morning occurances.

"We were talking about the rarity of personally working the opening
shift, because of its strange hours. In conversation, she told me that
she thought she might have frightened her dad, but when she
mentioned him sleeping in the livingroom, I didn't ask any further."

Mary works at the front desk of the YMCA, and has known Jenna for
a year. "I guess I didn't want to delve into an awkward conversation
about families and such," she whispered, with a wink.

When reunited again, the family jokes about the whole ordeal,
"I guess I should wake up a little earlier," shrugs Jenna, with a grin.

"And I guess I should go to bed before five," laughs Steve.

My Adressbook Reasonings

These are some poems I wrote a long time ago that I just found and thought I would share with you. It was part of a story where a woman dated 26 men with names beginning different letters of the alphabet. Enjoy!

Adam, sorry I killed your cat.
It didn't like you anyway.

Brad, ever since I met you
I've changed the way I laugh three times.
But every version reminds me of you.

Chuck, I bet you ten bucks that
You would drown.
A bittersweet victory.

Doug, I don't mean to change the
Subject, but your mother makes
The worst potato salad.

Ed, the lifeguard.
It ended when I heard you gave
Mouth to mouth
To a girl who didn't need it.

Frank, I gave you a fake number.
But I didn't really mean to.
It was my dentist's office.
(I really need to schedule an appointment.)
Call me.

Greg, remember when your brother
Walked in on us?

Hank, I didn't know people actually
Still listen to
Barbara Streisand.

Iggy Pop, I wish I had dated you
But you probably wouldn't remember it
The next day.
And I'd end up with an STD.

Jack, they say that men
Get better with age.
But do they mean at chess?

Killer, I know that you're a hardcore biker,
But would you please not call me
"The Bitch"?

Luke, sorry for all of those
Darth Vader impressions.

Mark, even though you're a DJ,
And you should know this,
"I Want Your Sex"
Will always make people uncomfortable.
And they will want to leave you're party.

Are not a major food group.

Oliver, yeah it was horrible
When Ashley Simpson lipsynched on SNL.
But jeez, man,
Get over it.
She can't sing anyway.

Pete, I know you will never lie to me
Because anyone who voted for Bush
Is too stupid to lie.

Quit while you're ahead, Max,
World Peace
Is unattainable.
Try wearing a ribbon,
Or one of those bracelets
That used to mean something,
But don't anymore.
On second thought,
Go into fashion.

Rick, you're such a dick.
(Speaking of which, that you are lacking.)

Steven, you know, I don't really appreciate
That the extent of our relationship
Is charted by e-mails and text messages.
BTW...I H8 U.

Tyler, no I haven't seen your sock.
Stop asking me.
What are you doing here?
You don't even do your laundry at my Laundromat.
Stop smelling my clothes.

Ukuleles are NOT a sexy instrument to play.
Hate to break it to you, Kyle.
I bet you can't play any
Elton John
Lionel Richie
With that.

Vince, I draw the line
At stick people.

Warren, how many times do I have to tell you,
Paris Hilton is not on a hunger strike.
I bet you she doesn't even know where Indonesia is,
Skinny Bitch.

X-Rays tell me nothing
About that growth

You barfed on my shoe
AND in my purse.
See if I take you on the Ferris Wheel
Again, Lex.

Zed, things were alright with you
Until you turned out to be a female.
Now instead of making out,
I do your make up.
And convince you that you are not fat.