An Ode to Jeggings

Dear my all-time favorite jean-like pants,
thank you for keeping my ass shapely
and my strut stylish and purposeful when I wear Louboutins or Converse.

I love the way you pretend to be jeans
with a mostly cotton-rayon-spandex blend to create a stiff jean texture,
but actually have no zipper or usable front pockets.

I also love the way you taper delicately at the hem,
to aide those of us mere mortals
who have vastly different body types and BMIs
and non-cankles.

Sometimes, you make it hard to sit down comfortably,
but I'll bite the bullet and wear tortuous women's floss thongs
if it means you'll hide my unsightly panty-lines
or divulge any hint of my owning a vagina.

Marry me, O fickle and unapolegetic clothing mistress
and lay with me under a breathless sky
because you are actually incredibly tight
and I fell while trying to escape your impossibly irresistible dernier cri.