Dear my all-time favorite jean-like pants,
thank you for keeping my ass shapely
and my strut stylish and purposeful when I wear Louboutins or Converse.
I love the way you pretend to be jeans
with a mostly cotton-rayon-spandex blend to create a stiff jean texture,
but actually have no zipper or usable front pockets.
I also love the way you taper delicately at the hem,
to aide those of us mere mortals
who have vastly different body types and BMIs
Sometimes, you make it hard to sit down comfortably,
but I'll bite the bullet and wear tortuous women's floss thongs
if it means you'll hide my unsightly panty-lines
or divulge any hint of my owning a vagina.
Marry me, O fickle and unapolegetic clothing mistress
and lay with me under a breathless sky
because you are actually incredibly tight
and I fell while trying to escape your impossibly irresistible dernier cri.