How I Would Win On A Reality TV Show

When my brother and I were younger and in college, we were home from Christmas break and vegging out in front of the TV.  As I recall, VH1 was showing a marathon of Tyra Bank's crazy brainchild reality show, America's Next Top Model, and we were hooked.

As we were watching, I realized that it was a super boring show.  All of the contestants were pretty, tall, slender women, and the challenges they were given were pretty interesting, but the contestants themselves were very two-dimensional.  There was minimal drama outside of the model competition.

Then, I got to thinking about other reality shows.  My favorite, by far is The Bad Girl's Club on Oxygen.  Mostly because all of the women on there are drunk and crazy.  I mean, there is a lot of producer involvement (i.e. pumping all of the Bad Girls full of booze, forbidding them to get jobs, and putting a lot of clashing personalities into a mansion for a few months.)

The show that I found the most interesting though was The Bachelor.  A group of very attractive women vying for the attention of a very rich and handsome man.  It really was the lowest that reality TV could go.

Maybe it was interesting to me because I don't think I took it seriously.  How could the Bachelor trust any of those women by dating them for a short period of time?  Also, the show focuses more on the dates and interaction between the women and the Bachelor, but we rarely get to see the living situation or the interaction between the contestants.

Here's my strategy if I ever was on a reality TV show:

1. Send in an awesome audition tape.  Have lots of personality, but not come off as a mean or crazy woman.  Maybe divulge a dealbreaker secret about me that could be revealed to the bachelor if I were to become a finalist.

2. Get on the show and go on a date with the bachelor.  I would be all cute and funny and flirty and make him fall for me on the first date.

3. Turn into CRAZY RAPTOR back at the house where all of the contestants were living.  I would stay up at night and stalk around the house, creeping into their rooms and I would be filmed on night vision rifling through their suitcases and sniffing their underwear.  At breakfast, I would disregard all utensils and eat with my fingers, but not before moving my plate to the floor where I could crouch over it like a vulture eating my prey.  My laugh would be that of a  raptor dinosaur screech.

4.  The other women would think I was CRAZY.  Like BATSHIT CRAY.  They would look at me and then look at eachother and then go into their confessionals and plot my demise.  They would tell the bachelor that I was really a raptor.  He would doubt them at first, thinking the women were only jealous of my beauty and wit.  And he would ask me about my activities, and I would deny them, citing that I am a trustworthy innocent farmgirl from Wisconsin and then I would show him my boobs. I would be saved another week.  Eventually, he would find out, and I would be voted off.

5.  Now, you're thinking, "What the hell, Jenna?  I thought the title of this blog post was how you would WIN a reality show!?"  And I will tell you that I am not finished yet.  Ahem. After I had been voted out, the producers will have discovered that I was a fan favorite and was keeping the viewer's attention throughout the whole season.  They would ask me back to do a bachelorette-type spin-off, and it would aptly be named, RAPTOR OF LOVE.  I would give all the men screechy raptor-like names like "WAAAAAARAWWWWW" and "REEEEEEEEEEEEE".

And that's how I would acheive celebrity status.  By being motherfucking nuts.