How I Use Facebook

1. Log on.

2. See that I have no new notifications since 10 minutes ago.

3. Go to profile page and re-read wall posts from friends that were posted 10 minutes ago.

4. Start responding to one with "LOL..." but then abruptly stop because I don't want to make people think that I spend my whole day on facebook or that I am involved or care about social media in any way.

5. Wait a half hour and then commit to typing a vague or semi-witty response like, "ugh" or "YESPLEASE".

6. Scroll down the newsfeed and creep on friends and ex-boyfriends.

7. Creep on ex-boyfriends' new girlfriends/wives.

8. Return to profile and frantically search through my own pictures from my glory days of college and remind myself that I am 100x hotter and cooler than them.

9. Get drunk and start "Liking" everything.

10. Drink one more glass of wine and then end up "Liking" my own comments.

11. Click on someone's link to "Dramatic Chipmunk" then get stuck on YouTube for 3 hours.

12. Start playing the Sims Social Application, then stop after 15 minutes when I realize that my Sim is having much more fun than I am.

13. Avoid everyone who messages me on Facebook Chat.

14. Log out of Facebook.

15. Log back into Facebook. No new notifications. Rinse. Lather. Repeat.