Top Ten Tuesdays: Ten Things I Wish I Knew How To Do, But Really Have No Urge To Learn How To Do Them


1. French Braid My Own Hair
This is a pretty cool talent. My aunt can do it. She flips her head upside down and does it within 10 minutes. I'm sure its pretty useful while camping and you have to put up your hair, or when you have no friends who know how to french braid and you are jonesin' for a intricate up-do.

Why I Have No Urge To Learn How To Do It
I don't really have long enough hair to french braid. And I have enough friends who can do this for me if I asked them too.

2. Solve Difficult Math Problems In My Head
Like hard algebra or long division. Hell, I can't really do double digit addition in my head. I either have to get a pencil and paper, calculator, or do the hand-paper thing.

Why I Have No Urge To Learn How To Do It
I'm not Jeff Goldblum. I don't really have the fate of the world depending on whether or not I can figure out when Train A will meet Train B in Brussels in my head in the matter of seconds. And I think math is a subject in which many people struggle, and they won't really scoff at you if you have to grab for a calculator. Usually when I face problems like this I just cock my head and move my lips to make it seem like I'm working it out in my head when really I'm just waiting for the other person to spit out a formulated answer.

4. Play Rockband/Guitar Hero On Expert

This would be so nuts. I would totally shred all over your face. And you would cry blood tears.

Why I Have No Urge To Learn How To Do It
I'd rather learn how to shred a real guitar. In my all-girl chick cover band called The Girl Scout Dropouts.*

5. Learn How To Load And Shoot A Firearm
Ever wonder how regular joes in zombie movies automatically know how to shoot an AK-47? And they can actually lift it and shoot without proper safety training or ear protection? And they actually kill zombies? Well, I always have. And in case of a zombie attack, I would want to be one of those who knows how to shoot a bazooka and wield a machete...you know...just in case.

Why I Have No Urge To Learn How To Do It
Yes, NRA, I agree that this would be a very useful thing to know how to do incase of a zombie emergency. But, The Second Amendment was mostly written for Patriots during the Revolutionary War which ended in 1783. Honestly, you probably don't need a militia in your home. Plus guns scare the crap out of me.

6. Sew
Since I'm a DIY kind of girl, you would think I knew how to sew, or use a sewing machine. Well, I don't. When it comes to making my own clothes, I usually go the no-sew route and use a little hand-stitching and God's gift of safety pins. Although, it would be awesome to be able to sew baby blankets for mommies, or purses, or little things for gifts. It would make things so much easier.

Why I Have No Urge To Learn How To Do It
Meh. I've gotten along fine so far with not being able to sew, and safety pinning my clothes together. And plus, it gives grandmas and sweet old ladies who KNOW how to sew something constructive do while stretching their finger dexterity and hand-eye coordination. No one likes a dull G-Ma.

7. Walk Like A Model

The winter of 2006 I underwent a surgery that kept me housebound for a week. Bored out of my mind, and unaware of the invention of StumbleUpon, I had to bide my time by watching basic cable. Thank god for television and the distraction it provided me. I'm not one for petty reality shows, but that week is when I discovered the magic of America's Next Top Model. It was amazing. I just watched about every season that was playing as a marathon on VH1 and decided then and there that I would be a graceful woman. I would be able to strut down the street and make heads turn with my delicate and poised swagger. And I would have the freakish inability to turn left.

Why I Have No Urge To Learn How To Do It
Um, have you ever met me? I understand this is an online blog, but in real life, I am not as practiced in the art of walking, talking, or the motor skills it requires to swallow my own spit. Shortly after overcoming my ANTM-induced coma, I realized that I will forever be awkward, and I'm okay with that.

8. Change My Oil
Imagine me, dressed in a grease monkey onesie sliding under my 1988 Dodge Ram pick-em-up truck and changing the oil with grease on my face and wearing a red trucker hat. Doesn't that sound kind of steamy and also impressively awesome?

Why I Have No Urge To Learn How To Do It
Um, it's something called an auto-body shop. Or a dad.

9. Open A Beer Bottle With My Breast

Why I Have No Urge To Learn How To Do It
The only perk of this skill is that you will never need to purchase another bottle opener ever in your life. I wouldn't necessarily want to get that kind of attention anyway. (Plus, you think it would ruin all of your swimsuits and bras?)

10. Acrobatics
Gymnastics is my favorite event to watch during the Summer Olympics. I just love how people can move their bodies like that and throw themselves over things, and balance on 4-inch wide planks of wood and rubber. It would be so cool to be able to do half those things, or even a simple backflip or some parkour vault over a bench.

Why I Have No Urge To Learn How To Do It
OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD. SCARY.

*This is a fictional band from my preteen imagination. If you play an instrument and want to start a band where we drink wine and play Foo Fighters in peoples' basements, email me.